FTMKS 2012

I think this will be the last of the catch up posts for Funny Things My Kids Say.  Enjoy!

January 2012
R: they only gave me one pickle when I clearly said pi-CKLES

Little Dude got into my dark chocolate cocoa powder this afternoon. He said he liked it.

L calls it palmalon cheese.

L: I'm gonna need somebody to feed me like I'm a baby.
J: how about I punch you like you're a grown man?
L: mama's gonna punch you later. In da face!

L: Mama, I want you to take me bowling and then to a movie. Can we go out to eat after that? Can we do it on this day?

So, I told Luke that his bowling, movie, dinner proposition yesterday sounded like he was asking me out on a date, and told him that it would make me happy to go on a date with him. He asked me today if we could go on our date in 3 wake-ups.

R: daddy, I just took my boot off and my foot smells like a fart.
J: Well. Let it air out a bit. We wouldn't want you to have fart feet.


February 2012
Today's funny, brought to you by O's History Questions.
Question: What/Who is a veteran?
O: Someone who doesn't eat meat?

Just overheard this, and I have tears from laughter! He was by himself on the computer with no idea that I was listening.
L: 20!, 29, 28, 27, 26, 25, 24, 23, 22, 21, 30!, 39, 38, 37, 36, 35, 34, 33, 32, 31, 40! BOOYAH! Man, I'm such a good counter.

Every now and then I give little snippets of driving instruction to B.  Today:
Me: ...you should be able to take off and stop in such a way that if you had a glass of water on your dash it wouldn't spill.
L: I'd put a sippy cup up there.

L: Mama, I want to marry you when I get bigger.
Me: I can't marry you, little man.
L: But why?
R: Cause she's your mama, that's why! That's gross, L.
Me: I'm married to your daddy and I'm your mama, L, so I can't marry you.
L: Aww man. Well that stinks.

I need to check that child for fever. L just asked me if he could please clean the baseboards. Dude, you are welcome to it!

L: Mama, are you and daddy going to kindergarten?
Me: What?
R: no, L, it's called Olive Garden.

R: Mama, I'm really glad you married him. He's a good daddy. 

Words I never said to the three older ones: "It is not okay to draw penises."

March 2012
O just told me that my face is intimidating. Um, thanks?

I was talking with L about the red light green light game his coach was playing with them. He said he had a lot of fun playing it, but then...
L: My coach only said red or green, he didn't say purple or blue.
Me: ?
L: (in the most matter-of-fact tone a 4 year old can have) Blue means back up and purple means dance.

B's turn. I'm grading Latin. The question is: What are the three genders of nouns? B wrote, "masculine, neutral, and the one for woman." It's feminine, son. LOL

B's script he wrote today based on the Directtv commercials.  Use the man's voice from the commercial as you're reading:
When you do scratch paper work your mother gets angry
When your mother gets angry she yells
When she yells, O cries
When O cries, everyone puts headphones on
When everyone puts headphones on, you can't hear the fire alarm
When you can't hear the fire alarm, your house burns to the ground
When your house burns to the ground you become homeless.
Don't become homeless - do your math correctly.

April 2012
L: Mama, can you leave already?
Me: Where am I going?
L: Downstairs.
Me: Why?
L: Cause I want to be by myself and you're up here.
(15 minutes elapse)
L: Are you gone yet?

Me: I'm sorry you're coughing today, R.
L: Me, too!
R: (with attitude) You're both not as sorry as I am.
Little smart aleck.

R: Mama, everything you cook, except for pizza and yummy stuff, is spicy.

We just caught up on this week's The Voice. After hearing one of the singers R said, "that was like a nightmare to my ears." 

L's first soccer game was this morning! They don't keep score at this age, but J and I do. They tied :-) We overheard a couple of other parents talking about L (at the time they didn't know we were his parents). They were saying how aggressive he is, how fast he can run, and how he should be a linebacker instead of a soccer player! LOL Even his coach came over after the game and said L was a beast. Hahaha!

R: Mama, what does w.h.a.t spell?
Me: What
R: WHAT DOES W.H.A.T SPELL?

The apple doesn't fall far from the vain tree. L is in his own little world admiring his muscles.

May 2012
Man on the radio: you could be the parent of the year! Get your tickets for Justin Beiber!
O: OH!OH! MAMA! OH MAMA! Please don't take me.

Pastor Matt: (paraphrase) Studies show that when men listen it's only with their left brain, but when women listen it's with both sides of their brain. If we don't listen to them we're only using half our brain.
Me: Pastor Matt said you should listen to me.
J: I didn't hear him say that.

L was singing Kelly Clarkson's Stronger in his sleep.

O just sang: I gotta big butt and I cannot lie.... Lol!

R: If I had a dollar for every time that thang fell down...well, I'd have 3 dollars.

L: mama, my front neck is sweaty.

Me: L apologize to your sister!
L: (with a sad voice) O, I sowwy I put my sneeze tissue on your face.

L says cooler like Waterboy does.

B: MAMA! There's a SPIDER in the house!
Me: Ok. Take care of it.
B: (squealing and freaking out) What do you want me to do?!
Me: I want you to man up, son!

L: I'm dig-zausted on this day